My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
