That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
