That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
