why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
