remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
