I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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