That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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