i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't turn off my feet"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
