I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
