Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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