can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
they need to just BURY HIM!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
