Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
