dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
