Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
