if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
