I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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