apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
