Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
