First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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