and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
