I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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