Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
