so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
