Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
