between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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