i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it's like iHOP with fire
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
