i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
