Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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