he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
