Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
