there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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