Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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