I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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