ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
