we have officially mastered the walk of shame
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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