Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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