a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
