I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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