No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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