Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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