Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
