Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
