My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
