Swine flu. Run for my life!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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