Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
