We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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