I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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