All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
