I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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