Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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