i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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