your parents love me but you hate me
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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