At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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