Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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