Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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