i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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