you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
