She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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