you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
